Hi to the tumblrs still there. 

I’ve grown. In a good way and bad way. Some things have changed since I’ve last posted. I’m stressed as ever and I really need an outlet rn. It’s 2:36AM as I write in the dark of my bfs room, but yeah too many overwhelming thoughts write now. I don’t know what I want anymore, where I want my future to go, what is really going to make me really happy…So yeah, mother fucking stress over all of this is to blame, hence why I’m here, so I guess you could say I’m back.

xoxo

so its literally been ages since I’ve been on here…since I’ve posted..since even logging into tumblr again. I had to reset my password too since its been that long since I’ve been on this site.

Sometimes I think I should delete this tumblr, but then there are other times I feel like I should keep it because it reminds me of how I’ve developed over the years. It shows me in all honesty. Nowhere to hide. I just speak my mind and as soon as I think: I’ll be typing it down..Like I am this very second..

I’ve missed this. I’ve missed writing, positing. It fathoms me how long I survived without fully expressing myself. But I guess, here I am, couldn’t take it any longer. Plus I think with what happened this afternoon, I just needed some sort of release. I guess this is it. 

So what’s new with me? I’m 24 now. I technically have a full time job, I have a steady pay check. And with the money I’ve earnt I’ve traveled just a little. Do I love what I do? tbh not really, there’s so much else I want to pursue and I feel like I’m just out of reach. Why? there’s just so many reasons I could list..definitely will type it down later. So I’m still with that guy I met 2 years ago, I don’t know if I wrote about it the time but we went through a short lived break up/break period back in Jan 16, and I guess I could say it was one of the worst moments/feelings of my life. I know in the past I’ve written that I was super unsure before because we didn’t even meet yet face to face. But being together for 2 years + already, its safe to say its quite normal to have negative thoughts and feelings of doubt when you get into an argument/fight…you get so high up in the love when everything’s going good. It feels right and that everything is going to work and sort itself out, but when negative moments like this happen…not only is your heart sad, but your mind too. I say this because I don’t know where I stand, I feel lost. I can honestly say I love him like no other (even though I’ve had 2 lovers/partners/bfs including him therefore just comparing him to my first love). To the point it scares me so much if I were to lose him. It wouldn’t be that type of “okay we broke up, time to move on- I’m strong” type of love, it would be the “how am I going to get through this, I want to end it all rn, need to drink my life away” type of misery..I know eventually I’d get out of it, but no its egit that depressing. I know I won’t be stable. I’d be scarred. I feel like for a LDR couple to live apart, to go through so much, to have memories, to sacrifice so much time and money into this, I wouldn’t be emotionally healthy anymore. 

But honest to God, I love him so much to the point I’m scared of losing him toooo the point of overthinking, and then preparing for the worst if it were to ever happen. Meaning: I think I already know who I’ve talk to and want to date if I were to ever break up with bf? But see, am I crazy and unfaithful for already thinking that? Or is there other people that think like this too? It’s like I basically have a back up, and even just rethinking and retyping that sounds so wrong. I feel like a terrible person. 

So, with this whole thing that happened a few hours ago…I started to think about this person. 

**Let’s do a bit of background explaining**

This guy I have thought about, let’s just call him J. 

J is my best friends partners friend who I met when I visited her. I had an innocent interest in him while my bf and I were still getting to know each other.

He didn’t notice me in that way I think cos he was dating someone at the time. But he was friendly, nice and a gentleman.

I went back home and months went by. It was only up until my most recent weekend trip that I visited my friends and he so happened to be over too. 

I believe we were both feeling attraction and it became a little flirty at times. I won’t lie. But it got really hot. Like things really could’ve happened. Sometimes its scary to imagine if we actually went out together, I think we’d end up already making out on the first date. But yeah.. I could really see myself not just dating, and being in a relationship with, but marrying a guy like him if what was said about him was true..I know him enough to confirm this as well. I found out that he would’ve made a move on me if I wasn’t with someone at the time. He’s respectful like that. But I was thinking about him alot throughout my travels and the bumps in my relationship last year. I’d forget him when things were good between my bf and I, and I just wanted J to be happy too. But we end up still communicating here and there.

So up until this point since coming home from that trip where we had these feels, its like there has been no certain closure. It’s like we’re not even friends, because thats not what we want to be? Soo yep. J is currently on my mind, while bae is sort of on the backburner. I love my bf I do, I think I forgive him for what happened a few hours ago. But am I still hurting? very much yes. I just cried a river. It was that type of stress where you’re shaking, you feel sick, and all your sniffles are just coming out of your nose cos theres so much of it. Yes I love him, but wow, I feel like I took a hit and need to just break away emotionally right now. And ugh that sounds terrible. sounds like to a person who doesnt know me or knows every little detail - that I’m an emotional cheater. It’s not a good feeling.